By Fergus Allen
You are walking along a dusty path when you come across a large hole in the ground, so deep you can’t see the bottom. Staring into the void beneath your feet, you hear something. Faint at first, ever so faint, but as you strain your ears, it begins to take shape.
A voice, soft against the din of the world above. As you listen more closely, you sense great pain within that voice.
Whoever it belongs to is stuck in that hole, and they can’t get out.
What do you do?
……………
“This is the situation our callers at the Crisis Centre face daily.” The above parable was relayed to me by Nikki Roussos, who serves as Operations and Crisis Response Manager at the Centre, though they quickly note it’s not Roussos original. “It was researcher and author Brene Brown who put it to me this way,” they say with a humble smile.
……………
Staring down into the hole, you can’t help but feel bad for this person. It would be horrible if you were stuck down there in that hole, after all. You are sympathetic to their plight, but sympathy isn’t always enough.
“Sympathy is about taking a situation in from one’s own perspective. It makes the issue about the one observing it,” says Nikki, “The effect this can have is a distancing one.” Your feeling badly about this person isn’t going to get them out of the hole, after all.
“Instead, we want to say ‘I’m with you.” This, says Nikki, is the subtle difference between sympathy and empathy.
……………
Nikki has been at the Centre for almost 6 years and has worn many hats in that time. Starting off as a volunteer, they have served as a call-taker, a trainer, a supervisor in the distress room, among other things. In their new role, they oversee some of our most important day-to-day functions, including managing the phone lines.
The Centre’s model of support is expressly based around its crisis responders engaging in empathetic listening. Nikki goes on to say that “expressing sincere empathy to those who reach out in crisis is essential in creating meaningful connection which can offer critical support when solutions may not be readily available.”
“It’s about putting yourself aside and really listening to the person on the other end of the phone.” You might not have immediate solutions to offer, and that is ok.
……………
A few feet away from the pit, you notice a ladder, just long enough to reach the bottom. You slowly lower it into the darkness, before descending yourself. The voice grows louder, and when you reach the bottom, you feel this figure’s presence, even as you wait for your eyes to adjust.
You don’t know how they found themselves there, but that isn’t important, and you say to them: “We might not fix this but I’ll sit with you for a while. You’re not alone.”
……………
If you or someone you know is in crisis, please call:
- Vancouver Coastal Regional Distress Line: 604-872-3311
- Anywhere in BC 1-800-SUICIDE: 1-800-784-2433
- Mental Health Support Line: 310-6789
- Online Chat Service for Youth: www.YouthInBC.com (Noon to 1am)
- Online Chat Service for Adults: www.CrisisCentreChat.ca (Noon to 1am)